In Part 1, we established that windsurfing is a sport that appeals to driven people, ie those who have driven long distances to spend their afternoon trying to decide what sail size to rig. Of course image is much more important than knowledge and ability in most sports and this is particularly so in windsurfing. In cycling, you could go far with sideburns and an attitude which is endearing because you are a quaint northerner, but that just won’t cut it in watersports. Although it was invented in Hayling Island, windsurfing likes to feel that it has a glamorous, transatlantic vibe. Here we will examine how to add some carefree Californication and Aloha allure to your windsurfing.

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Sounding the Part – Windsurfing Words of Wisdom

There is a lot of terminology in windsurfing; to be convincing with that, all you need to know is that it mostly relates to bits of string and carbon fibre. A good blagger

doesn’t want to get embroiled in detail, so here we have cut it down to the basics;

Glossary of ‘Windsurf Speak’

“Bad” = Good

“Sick” = Good

“Awesome” = Good

“Stoked” = Feeling Good

Note – “Good” = Good (but not a ‘bad’, ‘sick’ or ‘awesome’ way to express it.)

“Awesome” is a particularly useful word. The dictionary defines it as ‘inspiring awe’. I would use it if I trotted down Woking High Street and saw, say, hundreds of cherubs with golden trumpets riding winged unicorns in front of an erupting Mount Fuji. In Windsurf Speak, however, it applies equally to all situations eg you think you have run out of Scooby snacks, then you find a half-sucked boiled sweet, coated in sand, stuck to the floor of your van. “AWESOME!”

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English is a beautifully nuanced, expressive language with a vocabulary of over 250,000 words. French has a mere 40,000. (The Italians claim 140,000, but they do have 12 words for ‘The.’) Yet in Windsurf Speak you can express the indescribable joy, excitement, and one-ness with nature engendered by the sport and hold whole conversations with other windsurfers, particularly pro windsurfers, using just the 4 words for “good” padded out with the odd cool word, such as ‘man,’ ‘like’ and ‘todally’. For example;

“Todally STOKED after a SICK session. < perform thumb and little finger hand gesture called a ‘Shaka’ – see below> Maaan, it was some BAAAAD action. Like todally AWESOME.”

This can also be converted into a 15 page magazine article about a windsurfing session or event anywhere in the world, simply by adding action shots of Pro windsurfers doing the shaka, while grinning and wearing beanies (see Blaggers Guide Part 1.)

Looking the Part – Windsurfing Fashion Tips

1. Dye your hair blond. NEVER brush or comb it.
2. Buy salt water hair sprays. These give a much more authentic ‘just back from the beach’ look than salt in your hair from, say, being just back from the beach.
3. Wear board shorts and flip flops, even in the depths of winter.
4. A woolly beanie, of the type favoured by safe-breakers and petty criminals, is mandatory, both summer and winter.
5. When is a pair of shades not cool?

Looking the Part – Top Tips for Acting Cool

1. Whenever you fall off, stand in the water for a while and fiddle with your harness lines. Everyone watching (even windsurfers) will think you meant to do it.
2. If you fall off a lot, claim that you haven’t sailed for a while or blame it on rigging the wrong kit; the beauty of this is that it will almost always be true!
3. Or you could just say that you’re doing freestyle.
4. Hand Gestures – perfect your ‘Shaka’ for use at every opportunity, on and off the water. Like doing bunny ears behind someone’s head with two fingers, a Shaka always improves a photo. Ask Barack Obama. To perform a ‘Shaka’ correctly, fold your right hand into a fist with the thumb and little finger sticking out, as though trying to mime that you are about to use a telephone (but DON’T put your ‘phone’ to your ear.) For uber-coolness, extend your ‘phone’ arm forwards with your hand horizontal and palm down while gyrating the thumb and finger up and down slightly in a rocking motion. For the best effect, at the same time, grin inanely or stick out your tongue while saying ‘Bleeaaaaaah!’

Looking the Part – Top Tips for Being Cool

1. Do ‘Shakas’ a lot, while sticking out your tongue and saying ‘Bleaaaaaah.’ (Only really uncool people will mistake you for Care in the Community.)
2. Abbreviate your name to one syllable and add a ‘Z’ eg Gez, Lez, Tez, Wez, Dez, or Baz, Caz, Gaz, Maz or Waz. If you feel you exude dual-syllable coolness, you could also add a ‘za’ as well as the ‘Z’ eg Gezza, Lezza, Tezza, Bazza, Wazza etc. If you are super-amazingly cool, add an ‘X’.
3. A middle nickname is clearly a passport to brilliance; the likes of Chris ‘Muzza’ Murray, Andy ‘Bubble’ Chambers and Colin ‘Whippy’ Dixon prove this beyond doubt. I have adopted this tactic and will be smokin’ on the water by the weekend. That is, if I ever get a sail rigged.

Now… What size…?

Jax ‘The Ripper’ Lambert